First Stanza
   This is my life…

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Striking a New Chord

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There are two ingredients necessary for a road trip:  donuts and music.  Life is one long winding road trip with a few unexpected detours, bumps, and curves.  I probably should skip the jelly-filled more often, but the music is still essential.

My iPod contains several playlists:  running music, sing-alongs, dance!dance!dance!, and songs with which I identify.  The running list seldom changes; I’ve got those mile markers etched in my ears.  I won’t even discuss the sing-alongs since I cannot carry a tune in the proverbial bushel basket.  Dance music is, well, you know, that stuff that just sets my body in motion.  But the most important songs are those that tell my story.

It always shocks me to hear lyrics that say exactly what I’m feeling at any given moment.  I’ve previously related lyrics to the poetry of my time.  These words are so important to me and I think I recently figured out why.

I listened to a 20-minute lecture by a psychologist who spoke about all the issues I have in life:  not belonging, not being worthy of love, not being good enough, and not being able to control and predict every aspect of the future.  The key word of the lecture was vulnerability.  Vulnerability opens one up for loss and failure, hurt feelings and anger, rejection and sadness.  But the speaker also equated vulnerability with creativity, joy, belonging and love.  One cannot be open to these experiences without being vulnerable.

Not being open with others translates into protective walls being erected, doors closed, and windows shuttered.  If no one knows me, no one can judge me…and ultimately find me wanting.  Not good enough. 

A few years ago, my life underwent a dramatic change and I began the healing process through writing essays which were subsequently posted on a blog.  Recently, I decided that blog no longer defined me and that I choose to no longer identify with the word “divorce.”  But my love of writing has been discovered and my road trip continues…leading to this site. 

There are folks that still maintain that I am too open and communicate too much about my life.  I beg to differ.  I’ve lived behind the walls, doors, and closed windows.  I don’t wish to hide any longer - which brings me back to vulnerability.

The music I love most has lyrics that make me laugh or cry or simply identify with the sentiment.  Being vulnerable is what allows those words to seep into my soul.  If I close my heart, I close my ears.  The emotions with which I identify are the ones that are genuine and authentically me.  These lyrics are the building blocks of what I write and what I choose to accompany me on my road trip. 

And I wrote a major chord
To follow you around
Its melody always sincere
And a rhythm, you can tell
I picked it on my own
Sometimes it fits
Sometimes it don’t.

I write for my own understanding and catharsis.  That others might identify with or see me more clearly because of these words is an added benefit.  My GPS is set for true north.  My heart is set on finding that new chord…